I knew the journey was going to challenge.
I knew the journey was going to change me.
I knew the journey would take me to unknown places,
Inside I was screaming for change,
Inside I was afraid of myself,
Inside I was ashamed.
I approach the entrance with caution.
It would be so easy just to walk past.
No one would know it was here,
The vines growing around the trees,
The trees arching to for the entrance,
All within the deepest part of the woods.
My heartbeat quickens,
As I stand on the threshold.
I have many voices in my head,
The intensity is building and building,
Urging me to take the next step,
My body stays frozen.
It’s now or never.
So I take the first step into the darkness.
There is a flickering of flame light,
Dancing around the shadows.
There is a warmth to the air.
I stand letting my eyes adjust .
I start to see movement,
I start to make out sounds.
These are primal sounds with a beat,
A beat whose rhythm vibrates through my whole body.
There are bodies moving with the rhythm of the sounds,
There are bodies glistening in the dancing light,
There are bodies twisting into shapes,
There are bodies and more bodies.
I don’t know whether to look ,
I try turning my head away.
Everywhere I look I see bodies.
I hear the sounds going ever deeper into me.
I feel the pace of my steps increase,
Trying to pass through unnoticed.
I stop in the quiet space.
My breathing is heavy,
Is it fear or enjoyment?
I don’t want to know the answer.
What is this inside me?
I step forward once more.
There is another sound building,
From a muffled murmur it grows,
Gradually it clears to become laughter.
Wanting to join in the laughter
Walking on, the laughter changes.
The sounds harden,
A harshness that enters into me.
I start to see people pointing at me.
Every set of eyes is peering at me,
They are laughing at me.
The laughter grows as I feel myself recoil,
I want to turn back.
Already they have come up behind me.
I stop still but it gets louder,
Louder and Louder.
Then I run.
I don’t stop until the sounds have drifted away.
All I can hear now is the sound of my own rapid breathing.
My head is whirling around,
The voice inside repeating the laughter.
I know what they are laughing at.
How could they know?
I find myself crying,
It builds and builds,
Wailing and weeping.
All the energy inside me goes into the tears,
All the pain and fear of my life comes into that moment,
The tears keep flowing and flowing.
There is no space for breath.
Gasping for life.
Is it worth it?
The pain overwhelms me.
I come round resting against the roots of a tree.
I know I must carry on.
I stand up,
Wipe the tears away,
I will never be ready,
But move forward anyway.
It’s a slow walk.
I feel drained.
There are no emotions left to express,
The masks have fallen away.
And so I gently, slowly arrive at a fire.
The flames dancing around,
The occasional spark flying up.
Filling the space with light,
Which dies back down again,
I stand there in the warmth.
I here a sound behind me.
I know who it is.
I want to scream and shout.
How can he be so cruel?
How can he dance in the pain of torture?
How can he relish the orgies of lust?
The fear starts to build inside me.
Why did I come here?
What was I thinking to engage with this beast?
I am stupid and full of folly.
I feel a hand touch me.
I shiver with the energy that flows into me,
The primal energy that connects me with the ground.
Then I start to see.
I see the mirrors around me,
The mirrors reflecting the flame,
The mirrors reflecting what’s in my head,
The mirrors reflecting what’s in my heart.
It is me that I have seen.
It is me I have heard.
It is me I have felt.
Then I see what is around me,
The heart of the woods,
The birds singing,
The deer looking on from a distance,
The natural spring bubbling away,
The sound of pipes in the distance.
I feel love filling me up,
I feel at peace with myself,
I feel at one with nature,
We are together now.