Reunions


Yesturday I got 2 Facebook messages about different reunions. I had missed both since they didn’t appear in my inbox but in the “others” section, I didn’t know it existed until I found it.  The first was about the 20 year reunion for medical school, the second was for a 20 year celebration since the founding of a choir I was musical director of for a while.  And then on the train today I saw the husband of my best person for my civil partnership (about 10 years ago), who I haven’t seen in years.

So it got me thinking about reunions and meeting people for years back.  There is the inevitable comparison / competition to see how each of us has done in comparison with the others (the how big is your willy question).  A room full of doctors generally indicates a few egos, especially when combined with alcohol.  I suppose there is the opportunity to reminisce about youthful activities and catch up with friends who we have lost contact with over time. Yet part of me feels that if paths have moved apart, they did so for a reason.  It also gives me the sense having to put on a smiley face whilst someone is talking. Or even talking to someone whilst they spend their time looking over my shoulder to see if there is someone better they would prefer to talk to!

I have to confess at this point that I’m not a great fan of large crowds of people.  The social graces and skills of schmoozing were never something I was that interested in.  But there is also a part of me that is not yet comfortable with some of the choices that I’ve made in my life.  I feel that these sort of reunions would be better if I had stuck it out in the NHS, since the acting up director would have become permenant and over ten years later would be some executive role.  It was certainly the path I was headed for until my mid 30’s.  Yet I turned away from that and started to explore other views and models of health.

For me this has been a journey through life coaching and hypnotherapy, and on to shamanism. It’s been a journey I’ve felt called to, looking for things that actually heal people rather than leave them where they are.  The joys of seeing someone blossom into themselves is awe inspiring and ultimately fulfilling.  Would my life have been easier if I had stuck to the original path? Financially, yes. Status wise, yes. But I decided to take a risk with what i do, with who I am and with what I seek to achieve in this precious life I’ve been given.

Has that risk been worthwhile? I think this is at the crux of my thoughts on the reunions.  Over the past 10 years I have grown a lot as a person, opened up parts of myself I never knew were there. And a lot of that has been due to my shamanic training.  I am definitely more aligned with my true self, which would have been difficult to achieve in a high pressured NHS job. I am still on my quest of making the world better.

The challenge for me is in the doing, in the production of physical results.  The demonstration of what I have achieved.  By my mid thirties I had qualified as a consultant, acted up as a director of an NHS body, written the health policy for a political party and stood for parliament.  I still find myself looking back over my shoulder at that other self and wandering if I should go back to that person. It would be a lot easier for my ego.

But, for me this is a calling, even if at times I fight against it. I have to trust that at the end of my life I look back with gratitude at the risks I have taken. Happy that they were the right decisions, that have lead me to fulfil my potential and desire to make the world better.  As I deepen my spiritual relationship, I do increasingly see my goal as personal fulfilment and how I feel. Rather than judging myself based on physical, external results which all pass in the end.

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